What Do You See?

If you knew me you would know that I look at things very differently than other people. I look at all sides of every story and try to find the least negative way to fix it. I don't like conflict and I choose to by pass it if its the only thing that is available. I don't handle things well. I have a very in depth conversations with whomever the situation is dealt with in my head before actually having it. Thinking before I speak if you would. If I can't see a good outcome then I by pass the conversation altogether. Its hard for me to share and when I do I am trusting in you to understand me the same way that I understand you. Its not easy sharing yourself with someone anymore and not knowing what they will do next will destroy you as you know it or not. I am tired of being destroyed. I am tired of rebuilding all that I am with no one by my side. If you have broken me down in my past and are still apart of my life you have been forgiven but you are not the person that is supposed to be there to help me rebuild. I can do it by myself. Always have been and always can do it over. I can always do me. 

I want to give you my words and my feelings. I want to share everything that I keep from you with you. I want you to know what my heart feels for you on the inside. I want you to know that I am not going anywhere without you. I am not leaving you ever and I will never be who the others were. I am different. I am real. I am here and I am not the one that will hurt you. I'd give anything to show you who I really am. Every part of my being is love. 

I can't love you. Not because I can't, but because it is not my time. I fall in love with what could be. I fall in love with the beautiful what if's. The wonderful smiles and conversations. Believe me when I tell you that I am scared for you to see me in my true light. I am scared when you read my words. I am scared when you read me. I don't know how you will react and I am afraid of the words that may or may not come with your findings. Yes I know that the time of this is in the wrong, but when something feels right what does one do?

Here are my words lain before you. Here I am. What do you see?

I Just Don't Know

I know you know that my feelings are there
I know you know that they are true
I know you know that I shouldn't have them
I know you know that it scares me to share them with you
I know you know that I don't even know how to share them
I know you know that I look ridiculous when I hide
I know you know that I don't know that to do

I just don't know

Secret

You should already know

Rant Non-Rant

I fought with me today. Wasn't the best of days to be had. It was a constant roll of the feelings in m heart. Like the rocky waves that jostle boats. It was hard to handle at times. Then all of a sudden happiness took its place. There are feelings and words and so many things that take place that I can't keep up. I want to know things and am afraid to know as well. Want to say things, but am not sure how to. I want to feel more of the happiness I feel. I want to give someone that happiness too. I have such a hard time with sharing that I can't even tell if I am human anymore. Those I have shared with have warped me ad used me so much that I become afraid of everyone. Where people feel I lack confidence, they fail to see that I have been hurt so much that I can't tell if they are being real with me anymore. I don't know when someone is genuine anymore and it scares me to share myself.

There They Are

I thought of you today, but then my beautiful thought slipped away.

I begged and pleaded and wondered what made it break its hold, then I remembered what I had heard told.

This isn't something that could be changed somehow, so I learned that I had to leave it and move on now.

Learning of this was such a sad fate, before I shared my feelings it was to be to late.

Even though the pain was there inside, I knew no matter what I told it I lied.

The deep sadness that grew there with the pain, knew that I couldn't hang on and thus began its drain.

I felt like I was nothing more, just another unmistakable hurt at my core.

I whispered out my prayer just then, hoping to have a new answer again.

I knew that what I quested to know, would be searched for high and low.

Though I look for more to learn, the feelings are here that I can't discern.

Lost

"Tell me it doesn't hurt you"

"I can't"

Feelings..

Its like an arrow to the heart with the ripple 

affect of a stone into smooth waters.

I Could Be Wrong

Is there something that I have missed?

Did I read that right?

Will it still be true tomorrow?

Can I believe?

Will this hurt me?

What do I do?

What can I do?

There are so many questions and I don't know where to begin. I know not what to say or how to act. I just don't know. I am thoroughly confused on what to say, feel, and do now.

Well damn 

I Know You Are Looking

I thought of you today. 

Right this moment in fact. 

I thought of what could be. 

Thought of things that I shouldn't have. 

I know you are looking. 

I could never tell you. 

You might understand if I did. 

I know that you can probably guess. 

I know you are looking. 

I know that I have left very blatant hints. 

What I know for sure is that I can't really come forth and say it. 

It would hurt to know that what I feel isn't felt in return. 

I know that its not, but for you to say it would kill me. 

I know you are looking. 

I will talk to you again and always.

To be by your side in one fashion is better than never knowing you at all.

Your voice, your eyes, your beautiful smile.

You make me laugh more than you know.

I know you are looking.

The way you laugh and the way you move.

You have no idea how solid you make me?

How real I feel?

I can never tell you.

But...

I know you are looking.

You Are My Promise

Our whispered secrets, carry us to new heights. Speaking of wonderful torture, searing kisses and burning touches. We speak of our need, stepping around each other in a primal dance. Breath catches as hearts pour out, lust blasts through the body, as lightning across the sky. The body responding to every movement, painful bliss with every touch. Soft and gentle at first, shy touches and noises. Rough and fast later on, painfully good bites and screams that echo within the body. Purely controlled by the Id, pleasure, pain, our heaven on earth. The moment has come, the wave has crashed. Soft touches return, love and small whispers consume us. Holding on tight, keeping each other close. For a moment, the world stood still.